I've gone to therapy now 3 times, and am doing something called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It is used for people who have been through a trauma to reprocess emotions that haven't been processed properly by your mind because when you go through a traumatic event, your brain shuts down the ability to process emotions so that you can react without emotional distractions. It's a really confusing process where at first I only saw black, and could feel emotions washing over me, but couldn't define them. The therapist says that the therapy can work even if I don't understand what's going on, which was very disappointing to me because I want to be able to be proactive about my therapy.
I wrote a recipe and went to the grocery to buy all the things to make a cake, but I don't get to make it. I'm getting everything ready and I have a plan, but someone else is going to come in and execute it. I think I'm okay with that, but I have to trust that whoever comes in to make it doesn't fuck it up, because I have to eat it when it's all said and done. In fact, I may serve it at a dinner party, so everyone I know will have to eat the cake. I just don't want to look back and wish I had done it myself to begin with. As it is right now, I can't even look in the kitchen to see how it's going. I don't even know if someone's in there doing anything. What if they're using an entirely different recipe? What if they didn't understand the instructions? What if they're getting into my kitchen cabinets and using other ingredients that I didn't want them to? Well, as long as the cake is good, it doesn't really matter what they use or how they did it. YES IT DOES! Get out of the kitchen and let me cook it myself!
Maybe therapy is going to take more time than I thought. I do have a show to prep for, and I wanted to be done with this before my contest, but I see that it is not under my control.
I have decided that there will be a dinner party where the cake will be served, but it is going to be postponed. I want to make the cake myself, but I will be cooking dinner, so I will need someone else to bake the cake. However, it is just not in the budget right now to hire a baker. I'm already paying people to prep me for the show. I have paid a deposit on the cake so far, so I know I'll be able to get it later.
In case that wasn't obvious enough, I was referring to the emotional bank account. I like to think that prep doesn't drain the emotional bank account, but I know it does. Now that I know that therapy is an option and I am comfortable with it, I guess I find some comfort now in knowing I can do it later.
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I have been reading your blog for a few months now, and I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you as a fellow Kentuckian. I hope you continue to have success in the fitness/bodybuilding industry. Also, I wanted to extend my thoughts and prayers to you. Getting robbed so close to home can be a very traumatic experience. I hope and pray that time will be able to heal this wound for you. I also wanted to commend you for seeking therapy.
ReplyDeleteI'm a licensed counselor in KY and very few people have the guts to seek therapy. That takes a lot of courage. Processing your emotions, thoughts and feelings and placing them in the proper context will help greatly as you continue to recover from the trauma of being victimized.
EMDR has a great track record of successfully helping people with a variety of problems, especially trauma. Anyway, keep up the good work, and never lose confidence in yourself. I pride myself on being a pretty good judge of character, and I believe you are an outstanding person.
Just wanted to let you know that you (and your blog) are appreciated.
Sincerely,
C. Posey Somerset, KY