The Kentucky Muscle Bodybuilding and Figure show was last weekend. For the 5th year, I provided the pump up equipment for the show. Apparently, I'm the "host gym" for the event, but no one would know because it's never announced. It was not arranged for me to give an award, but they had me do the Women's overall bodybuilding anyway. The emcee was not given my name and announced me as another business instead of Metamorphosis Training Center.
This year I chose not to have a booth because I didn't want to deal with all the stress of setting it up and finding people to help me run it. However, I got myself into something that was just as much work. I wanted to help out backstage getting people ready in the pump up room with oil and last minute color touch-ups, so I talked to Kevin from Protan before the show and he was nice enough to send me some product to use. I had a really good time helping the competitors because I know how stressful it can be right before you get on stage. Everyone was very appreciative, including the figure pro's, who I had heard would be divas, but did not find that to be true at all.
I had 4 people competing for Team Metamorphosis in figure B, figure C, men's novice middleweight, and men's open lightweight. None of my people placed in the top 5, which was disappointing, but they all did look phenomenal, so I guess I can't really complain. The competition at this show is stiffer each year. In fact, 2 of my competitors that did place last year, looked better this year, and still did not place. The classes were all stacked with more great competitors.
Even though I worked my ass off for 2 days for the show, I was prepared to go to the after party and kick back. I loaded all the pump up equipment into the truck and unloaded it back at the gym, all my backstage helpers were tired and wanted to go eat. So, I went to eat with them, and by the time I headed to the after party, everyone from the show was gone. Next year I'm just training people and watching the show...that is all.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Season Summary
I competed in the NPC USA's as my second and last show this year. My last post included "what went right?", "what went wrong?" and "How to fix what went wrong" lists. Following up on those lists, I am happy to say that I did repeat all of what went right in Las Vegas. As for what went wrong and what I did to fix those things, I was pretty successful too. First thing that went right was I did make lightweights at this show. I finally got my head into the game, busted my ass, and stopped making excuses. My water loss worked out ideally as did my carb plan. I placed last in my class mostly because I was not lean enough this year.
My season this year was more of a learning experience than a successful competitive season. I did not place in the top 5, so my national qualification is only good for one more year. I had planned to take next year off, but now I have to decide if I want to go ahead and compete next year in order to requalify nationally or if I want to wait and try to requalify in 2010. Either way, next time I compete, I want to make sure that my head is in the right place from the beginning. I want to come in the biggest and leanest I ever have and not have any reason to have come short of my absolute best.
My season this year was more of a learning experience than a successful competitive season. I did not place in the top 5, so my national qualification is only good for one more year. I had planned to take next year off, but now I have to decide if I want to go ahead and compete next year in order to requalify nationally or if I want to wait and try to requalify in 2010. Either way, next time I compete, I want to make sure that my head is in the right place from the beginning. I want to come in the biggest and leanest I ever have and not have any reason to have come short of my absolute best.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Post show wrap up
This is the first show I've ever competed in as a middleweight. I weighed in at 122# and lightweight being 7 pounds away was too far to bother trying for at morning weigh-ins. I accepted my middleweight status, and started carbing up.
There ended up being no lightweights in the show at all. I was the second softest girl in my class, but not the smallest. It was a fun show, and my stage presence was much improved from years past. I have to say that it is not that motivating to see the judges from on stage not even look at you. I held a couple poses during the individual free posing for an extended period because I was curious if they were even going to look back in my direction. I mean I know that I wasn't the hardest girl up there, but can you just humor me and look in my general direction while I'm up there?
Anita from Muscle Mayhem did an interview with me on Friday night for the website. I'm usually uncomfortable around a video camera for some reason, but it was easy and very low key. You can watch it here... http://www.musclemayhem.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55125
I also ran into Annie Rivieccio, professional female bodybuilder, at the elevator Friday and we decided to do a shoot for her website www.MuscleAngels.com on Saturday before finals. She said she enjoyed shooting with me because I didn't need a lot of direction. She also said that I pose really well which I thought was a big compliment coming from her.
All in all, the show was a good experience. I wasn't my best, but I did learn some things. I placed 7th out of 7. It was a fun show, and my stage presence was much improved from years past. It would be nice if I had gotten leaner this year, but it's okay. I've got 5 weeks to peak for USA's, so that's the plan for now.
WHAT WENT RIGHT?
1. My hair color was good, I liked the way I fixed it and it was easy. No changes for the hair at USA's.
2. My make-up looked good. I had a darker foundation that I bought to do make-up for my competitors last year, and I hadn't tried it on myself yet. I also bought these contouring shades a couple months ago, and I got to try them out with the dark make-up too. I won't have any issues with the make-up for USA's.
3. My color was good. I used Protan for my first coat, and the airbrushed coat like I always do, but for the coats I applied on Friday, I used Dreamtan spray. It went on easier, dried faster, didn't smell as strong, and washed off more readily. I'm going to try it for my first coats for USA's, and if it's no good, I'll be able to get protan at the weigh-ins.
4. My suits fit well and I love the colors. I will put my stones on the night suit some time before I leave town for USA's.
5. My posing was good. This is the first national show where I felt like I presented my physique well on stage. I might not have looked my best, but I showed the best of what I had at that moment. I'm going to do my best to repeat that at USA's too.
WHAT WENT WRONG?
1. I wasn't lean enough, but I knew that going in.
2. My water was screwed up because I forgot basic math on Monday and Tuesday week of the show. Also, I didn't take an OTC diuretic like I have in the past. Sometimes they magnify the rebound you get from the carb load and water manipulation. I was worried that with a 2 day show and not being lean enough it could backfire hard, so I skipped it.
3. My carb load was no good. I didn't think the carb depletion and load was the best for me in 2007 at Jr's and at 2007 USA's I didn't carb deplete at all. It worked out great, and I said I would never carb deplete again. The only reason I did at Jr's this year was because I was trying to get into the lightweight class. My efforts were for nothing since I was a middleweight anyway.
HOW TO FIX WHAT WENT WRONG
1. I'm putting together a new plan for the next 4 weeks that I have left before leaving town again for USA's.
2. For USA's I'm going to take a diuretic starting on Wednesday, do 2 gallons of water Sunday to Wednesday, 1 gallon on Thursday, 1 pint on Friday, and sip only on Saturday.
3. I've accepted that I might be a middle weight at USA's, and will not carb deplete in an effort to get into lightweights.
To sum it up, everything that had to do with stage presence went really well, and everything that had to do with my physique coming in at it's best went bad. I know that sounds like a bad scenario, but it's a good thing the way I see it. I always get stressed out about the little things like my hair and make-up and end up disappointed when I feel like I wasn't judged fairly because the way I stood on stage was wrong, or the judges didn't see what I really look like. This time, all the little things that matter a lot came together, and I feel confident that I can repeat all of them at my next show in Vegas and not get stressed out about any of it.
There ended up being no lightweights in the show at all. I was the second softest girl in my class, but not the smallest. It was a fun show, and my stage presence was much improved from years past. I have to say that it is not that motivating to see the judges from on stage not even look at you. I held a couple poses during the individual free posing for an extended period because I was curious if they were even going to look back in my direction. I mean I know that I wasn't the hardest girl up there, but can you just humor me and look in my general direction while I'm up there?
Anita from Muscle Mayhem did an interview with me on Friday night for the website. I'm usually uncomfortable around a video camera for some reason, but it was easy and very low key. You can watch it here... http://www.musclemayhem.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55125
I also ran into Annie Rivieccio, professional female bodybuilder, at the elevator Friday and we decided to do a shoot for her website www.MuscleAngels.com on Saturday before finals. She said she enjoyed shooting with me because I didn't need a lot of direction. She also said that I pose really well which I thought was a big compliment coming from her.
All in all, the show was a good experience. I wasn't my best, but I did learn some things. I placed 7th out of 7. It was a fun show, and my stage presence was much improved from years past. It would be nice if I had gotten leaner this year, but it's okay. I've got 5 weeks to peak for USA's, so that's the plan for now.
WHAT WENT RIGHT?
1. My hair color was good, I liked the way I fixed it and it was easy. No changes for the hair at USA's.
2. My make-up looked good. I had a darker foundation that I bought to do make-up for my competitors last year, and I hadn't tried it on myself yet. I also bought these contouring shades a couple months ago, and I got to try them out with the dark make-up too. I won't have any issues with the make-up for USA's.
3. My color was good. I used Protan for my first coat, and the airbrushed coat like I always do, but for the coats I applied on Friday, I used Dreamtan spray. It went on easier, dried faster, didn't smell as strong, and washed off more readily. I'm going to try it for my first coats for USA's, and if it's no good, I'll be able to get protan at the weigh-ins.
4. My suits fit well and I love the colors. I will put my stones on the night suit some time before I leave town for USA's.
5. My posing was good. This is the first national show where I felt like I presented my physique well on stage. I might not have looked my best, but I showed the best of what I had at that moment. I'm going to do my best to repeat that at USA's too.
WHAT WENT WRONG?
1. I wasn't lean enough, but I knew that going in.
2. My water was screwed up because I forgot basic math on Monday and Tuesday week of the show. Also, I didn't take an OTC diuretic like I have in the past. Sometimes they magnify the rebound you get from the carb load and water manipulation. I was worried that with a 2 day show and not being lean enough it could backfire hard, so I skipped it.
3. My carb load was no good. I didn't think the carb depletion and load was the best for me in 2007 at Jr's and at 2007 USA's I didn't carb deplete at all. It worked out great, and I said I would never carb deplete again. The only reason I did at Jr's this year was because I was trying to get into the lightweight class. My efforts were for nothing since I was a middleweight anyway.
HOW TO FIX WHAT WENT WRONG
1. I'm putting together a new plan for the next 4 weeks that I have left before leaving town again for USA's.
2. For USA's I'm going to take a diuretic starting on Wednesday, do 2 gallons of water Sunday to Wednesday, 1 gallon on Thursday, 1 pint on Friday, and sip only on Saturday.
3. I've accepted that I might be a middle weight at USA's, and will not carb deplete in an effort to get into lightweights.
To sum it up, everything that had to do with stage presence went really well, and everything that had to do with my physique coming in at it's best went bad. I know that sounds like a bad scenario, but it's a good thing the way I see it. I always get stressed out about the little things like my hair and make-up and end up disappointed when I feel like I wasn't judged fairly because the way I stood on stage was wrong, or the judges didn't see what I really look like. This time, all the little things that matter a lot came together, and I feel confident that I can repeat all of them at my next show in Vegas and not get stressed out about any of it.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Oh yeah, I'm competing in a week!
I feel better than I have in a long time.
I used to be a happy-go-lucky cutsey girl who smiled at everyone and never thought twice about lending a hand to anyone and everyone. Throughout life I have stepped away from that girl one step at a time for one reason or another. I think I fell in a rabbit hole recently that dropped me right back where I started, and I didn't notice until now how much I missed this place. It's even better now with all of life's experiences that I have brought with me.
On the way down the hole I think I have had the opportunity to positively affect other people. As a bodybuilder people see me as someone strong and cold that no one would fuck with. Me being attacked showed everyone who knew me that sometimes it doesn't really matter how strong you are or how tough you are, you can still be a victim. What happened to me showed some that it could happen to anyone. As a business owner people see me as someone grounded and independent. Since I have been very open with the fact that I am going to therapy, some people have accepted that maybe you don't have to be a basket case to need psychiatric help. As a personal trainer, I inspire others to be focused and strong, and most people think that this comes naturally for me. Now people can see that I have to work for it sometimes, and they have hope for their own ability to overcome circumstances.
In the last couple weeks, I have made connections with people that I don't think I could have last year. I have been more caring. I have been more empathetic. I have been able to be strong enough to take on other people's worries without it weighing me down. It all started when I was able to put my own worries onto others and saw that they were willing to take it on. Now, I'm taking weight off of other people's minds and for some of the same people who took weight off mine. This kind of compassion feeds off of itself, and I hope that it continues to grow in those around me.
What a whirlwind I've been caught up in! I am not in my best shape for my upcoming show, but I still have never felt better in general. I am competing next week on Friday. All I can do at this point is let it play out, and see how it goes.
I used to be a happy-go-lucky cutsey girl who smiled at everyone and never thought twice about lending a hand to anyone and everyone. Throughout life I have stepped away from that girl one step at a time for one reason or another. I think I fell in a rabbit hole recently that dropped me right back where I started, and I didn't notice until now how much I missed this place. It's even better now with all of life's experiences that I have brought with me.
On the way down the hole I think I have had the opportunity to positively affect other people. As a bodybuilder people see me as someone strong and cold that no one would fuck with. Me being attacked showed everyone who knew me that sometimes it doesn't really matter how strong you are or how tough you are, you can still be a victim. What happened to me showed some that it could happen to anyone. As a business owner people see me as someone grounded and independent. Since I have been very open with the fact that I am going to therapy, some people have accepted that maybe you don't have to be a basket case to need psychiatric help. As a personal trainer, I inspire others to be focused and strong, and most people think that this comes naturally for me. Now people can see that I have to work for it sometimes, and they have hope for their own ability to overcome circumstances.
In the last couple weeks, I have made connections with people that I don't think I could have last year. I have been more caring. I have been more empathetic. I have been able to be strong enough to take on other people's worries without it weighing me down. It all started when I was able to put my own worries onto others and saw that they were willing to take it on. Now, I'm taking weight off of other people's minds and for some of the same people who took weight off mine. This kind of compassion feeds off of itself, and I hope that it continues to grow in those around me.
What a whirlwind I've been caught up in! I am not in my best shape for my upcoming show, but I still have never felt better in general. I am competing next week on Friday. All I can do at this point is let it play out, and see how it goes.
Who's baking the cake?
I've gone to therapy now 3 times, and am doing something called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It is used for people who have been through a trauma to reprocess emotions that haven't been processed properly by your mind because when you go through a traumatic event, your brain shuts down the ability to process emotions so that you can react without emotional distractions. It's a really confusing process where at first I only saw black, and could feel emotions washing over me, but couldn't define them. The therapist says that the therapy can work even if I don't understand what's going on, which was very disappointing to me because I want to be able to be proactive about my therapy.
I wrote a recipe and went to the grocery to buy all the things to make a cake, but I don't get to make it. I'm getting everything ready and I have a plan, but someone else is going to come in and execute it. I think I'm okay with that, but I have to trust that whoever comes in to make it doesn't fuck it up, because I have to eat it when it's all said and done. In fact, I may serve it at a dinner party, so everyone I know will have to eat the cake. I just don't want to look back and wish I had done it myself to begin with. As it is right now, I can't even look in the kitchen to see how it's going. I don't even know if someone's in there doing anything. What if they're using an entirely different recipe? What if they didn't understand the instructions? What if they're getting into my kitchen cabinets and using other ingredients that I didn't want them to? Well, as long as the cake is good, it doesn't really matter what they use or how they did it. YES IT DOES! Get out of the kitchen and let me cook it myself!
Maybe therapy is going to take more time than I thought. I do have a show to prep for, and I wanted to be done with this before my contest, but I see that it is not under my control.
I have decided that there will be a dinner party where the cake will be served, but it is going to be postponed. I want to make the cake myself, but I will be cooking dinner, so I will need someone else to bake the cake. However, it is just not in the budget right now to hire a baker. I'm already paying people to prep me for the show. I have paid a deposit on the cake so far, so I know I'll be able to get it later.
In case that wasn't obvious enough, I was referring to the emotional bank account. I like to think that prep doesn't drain the emotional bank account, but I know it does. Now that I know that therapy is an option and I am comfortable with it, I guess I find some comfort now in knowing I can do it later.
I wrote a recipe and went to the grocery to buy all the things to make a cake, but I don't get to make it. I'm getting everything ready and I have a plan, but someone else is going to come in and execute it. I think I'm okay with that, but I have to trust that whoever comes in to make it doesn't fuck it up, because I have to eat it when it's all said and done. In fact, I may serve it at a dinner party, so everyone I know will have to eat the cake. I just don't want to look back and wish I had done it myself to begin with. As it is right now, I can't even look in the kitchen to see how it's going. I don't even know if someone's in there doing anything. What if they're using an entirely different recipe? What if they didn't understand the instructions? What if they're getting into my kitchen cabinets and using other ingredients that I didn't want them to? Well, as long as the cake is good, it doesn't really matter what they use or how they did it. YES IT DOES! Get out of the kitchen and let me cook it myself!
Maybe therapy is going to take more time than I thought. I do have a show to prep for, and I wanted to be done with this before my contest, but I see that it is not under my control.
I have decided that there will be a dinner party where the cake will be served, but it is going to be postponed. I want to make the cake myself, but I will be cooking dinner, so I will need someone else to bake the cake. However, it is just not in the budget right now to hire a baker. I'm already paying people to prep me for the show. I have paid a deposit on the cake so far, so I know I'll be able to get it later.
In case that wasn't obvious enough, I was referring to the emotional bank account. I like to think that prep doesn't drain the emotional bank account, but I know it does. Now that I know that therapy is an option and I am comfortable with it, I guess I find some comfort now in knowing I can do it later.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Reality Check
I have not been myself lately. I've known this for a while now, but it took a good friend to point it out before I realized I need to do something about it.
I have always prided myself on the fact that I'm very independent, but what I never equated it to is my inability to count on other people. I don't like to tell people when I need help. It makes me feel insecure and weak. As I write this I have a huge knot in my throat confirming the truth of that statement. When I have counted on others and have been let down, it stands out in my mind so much more strongly than when when people come through. I'm not saying people never come through for me, rather that I let myself get hung up on the times they don't. It takes a stronger person to be vulnerable than independent. I guess it's like lifting weights...You will feel weak before you become stronger. If that's the case, I'm about to be really strong.
I do need others to help me sometimes, but I guess I don't know how to ask or what to ask for. The funny thing is that I never expect anyone else to be independent and will go out of my way to help a friend whether they ask or not, but I still don't think I ever need help myself. I guess I was wrong.
I have always prided myself on the fact that I'm very independent, but what I never equated it to is my inability to count on other people. I don't like to tell people when I need help. It makes me feel insecure and weak. As I write this I have a huge knot in my throat confirming the truth of that statement. When I have counted on others and have been let down, it stands out in my mind so much more strongly than when when people come through. I'm not saying people never come through for me, rather that I let myself get hung up on the times they don't. It takes a stronger person to be vulnerable than independent. I guess it's like lifting weights...You will feel weak before you become stronger. If that's the case, I'm about to be really strong.
I do need others to help me sometimes, but I guess I don't know how to ask or what to ask for. The funny thing is that I never expect anyone else to be independent and will go out of my way to help a friend whether they ask or not, but I still don't think I ever need help myself. I guess I was wrong.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Time to think and regroup...
I have been prepping for my 2008 contest season, and it has been really touch and go thus far. I'm 8 weeks out from a national level show, and I still have 20 pounds to go. My weight is not dropping like it should. I have a couple theories, but one prevailing theory that is most likely and the hardest to fix. STRESS! It can effect hormones and who knows what other chemicals in your body without you even realizing it. It's really ironic that I am in this situation because only a couple weeks ago I had a long conversation with a client about how stress can effect the body. I told this client that stress has to be eliminated, and to sit down and identify all the possible sources of stress. So...I'm going to practice what I preach, and attempt to do the same.
I'm normally not someone who gets stressed out. I tend to be low key, and let things roll off my back, and I thought I was doing alright. I think there are 2 things that are effecting me that I didn't even realize. I told my client that sources of stress can be in relationships, at home, or at work...
In relationships, my husband is awesome, but we don't get so see each other as much as we'd like. It's been that way for several years now, so I really don't think that's a problem. Other relationships, like your friends are supposed to make you happy. You pick your friends, right? So, there's no reason to have a friendship that doesn't make you feel good. I have lots of really great friends that really care about me (not to brag, but I do), but I think since I don't see them that often either, I don't get to benefit from the good vibes you get when you just sit around with people that know you and understand you. There's a really great comfort in just being with people that don't expect you to act a certain way, or say anything, or do anything special. They just know you. They know where you've been, and they don't care where you're going. They just want to be updated. They want to share their plans with you. They want to be comfortable. They want to be who they are too. I've been missing out on spending time like that for way too long now.
At home, I have become more comfortable since I was attacked, but I think it's been irking my subconscious unknown to me. I probably don't feel as comfortable and relaxed as I think I do, or had in the past. I'm always armed. I'm always on the lookout. The alarm is always set. The dogs are on guard letting me know if there are any weird noises outside. I'm safe, right? Logically, yes. I'm very safe. Someone has to really want to hurt me in order to get to me, but the fact that I have created all these barriers to protect myself reflects just how uncomfortable I am in my own home. If I have to be on guard, how safe do I feel? I think this has been a problem for a while now.
At work, I'm surrounded by familiar people all day long. I OWN this place! I'm in control. That's all good stuff, right? Well, I'm responsible for all this stuff too. I train clients all day long and run the business, but that's been going on for several years now too. Well, what's new? Something else that's gone on for a long time has heightened and is starting to get under my skin. My long time stalker, who shall remain nameless, had his lawyer send me a cease and desist letter 3 or 4 weeks ago accusing me of slander and harassment. Now, here's the thing...the accusations are completely unfounded and ridiculous. My lawyer responded with a letter, and the situation will never develop into a lawsuit. So, there should be no problem, right? Well, I think I'm letting it get to me...
Our last direct communication was a mutual request to never be contacted again in any way, so he has become creative in his efforts to reach me, hence the attempt at a lawsuit. My life is an open book. I have no secrets, so that makes it pretty easy for some crazy person to find ways to reach me indirectly, and I know that he reads everything I write on line. What happened most recently, is he contacted one of my clients. She told me about this strange e-mail she got, and I knew immediately from the style of the letter, that it was him. In one e-mail to her he referenced his lawsuit against me, and in another, he requested to be her friend on MySpace. The profile he used looks strangely like me, and says it's a 30 y/o woman in Louisville, KY. All this makes me reconsider the fact that I do write so much about myself. I considered not posting anything else in my thread, not posting anything else on my blog, taking down my website, and my MySpace page. I truly want this guy to just leave me and my clients alone. I don't really know what he wants, and despite the fact that I'm a competitive person, if I did know, I'd be willing to let him win...if that would bring it to an end. The fact is, I'm really easy to find. He's probably been in my gym before. I probably showed him around like any other interested customer. He might watch me through a window, or watch me come and go throughout the day. Maybe he watches me go to Starbucks and Walgreens. Who knows? Maybe I'm just paranoid, and he's never left his keyboard. Either way, I'm done with it. I've been stressed out about it. I've brushed it off so many times, and said "he's a coward, and a freak", but still every time I have to hear about him again from someone else, my head races. I wonder if he's been around. I wonder what he wants. I wonder what he could possibly do with all the information that I have shared with the world about myself. Logically, he can do nothing, but the fact remains that I just don't know what motives and goals race through his head. I know he'll read this, and if so, let this be my white flag. If his goal was to get under my skin, he won. If he wanted notoriety for annoying the fuck out of me, he won. If he wanted to make me uncomfortable in my own workplace, he won. I've avoided this topic for the last month, and I think that has allowed it to get to me more, but now I'm putting it out there, and washing my hands of it.
I don't know why, but writing about this is cathartic. Maybe it's because when you try to put feelings into words, you have to organize your thoughts. Just as I suggested to my client, I'm going to deal with each area of my life and eliminate stress. Sometimes stress can be eliminated just by recognizing it and understanding it. As far as relationships, Adam and I are going to stay home and watch movies this weekend. I should make a point to hang out with some of my good friends too, but we'll arrange that later. As for the home situation, it was suggested that I see a therapist to sort out the feelings I've buried as a result of the attack. Although I don't want to, I will. As for the work situation, it's fine. I just need to stay positive, and keep organized so that I can continue to be productive with the business and my clients. As for the stalker situation, like I said...I wash my hands of it.
Now it's time to move on, focus on what's important to me, and leave the distractions behind.
I'm normally not someone who gets stressed out. I tend to be low key, and let things roll off my back, and I thought I was doing alright. I think there are 2 things that are effecting me that I didn't even realize. I told my client that sources of stress can be in relationships, at home, or at work...
In relationships, my husband is awesome, but we don't get so see each other as much as we'd like. It's been that way for several years now, so I really don't think that's a problem. Other relationships, like your friends are supposed to make you happy. You pick your friends, right? So, there's no reason to have a friendship that doesn't make you feel good. I have lots of really great friends that really care about me (not to brag, but I do), but I think since I don't see them that often either, I don't get to benefit from the good vibes you get when you just sit around with people that know you and understand you. There's a really great comfort in just being with people that don't expect you to act a certain way, or say anything, or do anything special. They just know you. They know where you've been, and they don't care where you're going. They just want to be updated. They want to share their plans with you. They want to be comfortable. They want to be who they are too. I've been missing out on spending time like that for way too long now.
At home, I have become more comfortable since I was attacked, but I think it's been irking my subconscious unknown to me. I probably don't feel as comfortable and relaxed as I think I do, or had in the past. I'm always armed. I'm always on the lookout. The alarm is always set. The dogs are on guard letting me know if there are any weird noises outside. I'm safe, right? Logically, yes. I'm very safe. Someone has to really want to hurt me in order to get to me, but the fact that I have created all these barriers to protect myself reflects just how uncomfortable I am in my own home. If I have to be on guard, how safe do I feel? I think this has been a problem for a while now.
At work, I'm surrounded by familiar people all day long. I OWN this place! I'm in control. That's all good stuff, right? Well, I'm responsible for all this stuff too. I train clients all day long and run the business, but that's been going on for several years now too. Well, what's new? Something else that's gone on for a long time has heightened and is starting to get under my skin. My long time stalker, who shall remain nameless, had his lawyer send me a cease and desist letter 3 or 4 weeks ago accusing me of slander and harassment. Now, here's the thing...the accusations are completely unfounded and ridiculous. My lawyer responded with a letter, and the situation will never develop into a lawsuit. So, there should be no problem, right? Well, I think I'm letting it get to me...
Our last direct communication was a mutual request to never be contacted again in any way, so he has become creative in his efforts to reach me, hence the attempt at a lawsuit. My life is an open book. I have no secrets, so that makes it pretty easy for some crazy person to find ways to reach me indirectly, and I know that he reads everything I write on line. What happened most recently, is he contacted one of my clients. She told me about this strange e-mail she got, and I knew immediately from the style of the letter, that it was him. In one e-mail to her he referenced his lawsuit against me, and in another, he requested to be her friend on MySpace. The profile he used looks strangely like me, and says it's a 30 y/o woman in Louisville, KY. All this makes me reconsider the fact that I do write so much about myself. I considered not posting anything else in my thread, not posting anything else on my blog, taking down my website, and my MySpace page. I truly want this guy to just leave me and my clients alone. I don't really know what he wants, and despite the fact that I'm a competitive person, if I did know, I'd be willing to let him win...if that would bring it to an end. The fact is, I'm really easy to find. He's probably been in my gym before. I probably showed him around like any other interested customer. He might watch me through a window, or watch me come and go throughout the day. Maybe he watches me go to Starbucks and Walgreens. Who knows? Maybe I'm just paranoid, and he's never left his keyboard. Either way, I'm done with it. I've been stressed out about it. I've brushed it off so many times, and said "he's a coward, and a freak", but still every time I have to hear about him again from someone else, my head races. I wonder if he's been around. I wonder what he wants. I wonder what he could possibly do with all the information that I have shared with the world about myself. Logically, he can do nothing, but the fact remains that I just don't know what motives and goals race through his head. I know he'll read this, and if so, let this be my white flag. If his goal was to get under my skin, he won. If he wanted notoriety for annoying the fuck out of me, he won. If he wanted to make me uncomfortable in my own workplace, he won. I've avoided this topic for the last month, and I think that has allowed it to get to me more, but now I'm putting it out there, and washing my hands of it.
I don't know why, but writing about this is cathartic. Maybe it's because when you try to put feelings into words, you have to organize your thoughts. Just as I suggested to my client, I'm going to deal with each area of my life and eliminate stress. Sometimes stress can be eliminated just by recognizing it and understanding it. As far as relationships, Adam and I are going to stay home and watch movies this weekend. I should make a point to hang out with some of my good friends too, but we'll arrange that later. As for the home situation, it was suggested that I see a therapist to sort out the feelings I've buried as a result of the attack. Although I don't want to, I will. As for the work situation, it's fine. I just need to stay positive, and keep organized so that I can continue to be productive with the business and my clients. As for the stalker situation, like I said...I wash my hands of it.
Now it's time to move on, focus on what's important to me, and leave the distractions behind.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Why every trip from my house to my car and vise versa sucks...
I called the detective about my case at the beginning of February, and there were no updates. I sort of figured that I wouldn't hear anything else again...time to move on, right? A few days later, I got a phone call from the post office. My wallet that was stolen had been dropped in a mail drop box. They mailed it to me, and I got it back the next day. It looked like it had gotten a little wet, and the only thing missing besides my cash was my license. I think that's strange, and it's unsettling to say the least. I can't help but wonder why someone would drop it in the mailbox now.
I just realized that I never explained some of the details after the incident. One of our neighbors had told us that she would keep her ears open about what happened to me and see if any one knows anything. A week after it happened the neighbor came back to us telling us that another neighbor had a party that night and one guy left and came back later bragging about a similar incident. That neighbor didn't share the name of the individual, so we've got nothing. Anyway, I did tell the detective this, and she said she spoke to the people that live in that very house and they said they don't know anything...big surprise, right?
Well, I have made up a scenario in my mind that after the detective's visit, the person she spoke to told the person that had been bragging about the incident of her visit. Maybe the guy got scared and wanted to get rid of the property with my name on it. See the post office has no information on where it was picked up, so it's hard to track at this point. The problem with that scenario is, why isn't my license in there? Then again, it could have been on the ground for weeks and some random person tossed it in the nearest mail drop box. Who knows? I know I'm over thinking this and need to stop trying to make sense of it.
I do know that every time I go to and from my house, I snear at a certain house on my block. I look back and forth down the street, and between each look, I carefully assess that particular house. I don't know what I think I'm going to see, or what I'd do if I saw something unusual, but I check the positioning of my gun, and move quickly to the door of my house or car.
I feel alright during the day coming and going by myself, but at night and in the morning before the sun has come up, I do not trust that I can see everything around me. I'll always remember that it is possible for someone to be lurking around a corner out of my sight, so I keep watching...it's all I can do.
I just realized that I never explained some of the details after the incident. One of our neighbors had told us that she would keep her ears open about what happened to me and see if any one knows anything. A week after it happened the neighbor came back to us telling us that another neighbor had a party that night and one guy left and came back later bragging about a similar incident. That neighbor didn't share the name of the individual, so we've got nothing. Anyway, I did tell the detective this, and she said she spoke to the people that live in that very house and they said they don't know anything...big surprise, right?
Well, I have made up a scenario in my mind that after the detective's visit, the person she spoke to told the person that had been bragging about the incident of her visit. Maybe the guy got scared and wanted to get rid of the property with my name on it. See the post office has no information on where it was picked up, so it's hard to track at this point. The problem with that scenario is, why isn't my license in there? Then again, it could have been on the ground for weeks and some random person tossed it in the nearest mail drop box. Who knows? I know I'm over thinking this and need to stop trying to make sense of it.
I do know that every time I go to and from my house, I snear at a certain house on my block. I look back and forth down the street, and between each look, I carefully assess that particular house. I don't know what I think I'm going to see, or what I'd do if I saw something unusual, but I check the positioning of my gun, and move quickly to the door of my house or car.
I feel alright during the day coming and going by myself, but at night and in the morning before the sun has come up, I do not trust that I can see everything around me. I'll always remember that it is possible for someone to be lurking around a corner out of my sight, so I keep watching...it's all I can do.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Why State Farm Insurance Company Sucks
Our home has been insured with State Farm for over 8 years. During the last few days of December in 2007, my husband and each attempted to contact our State Farm agent to make our annual insurance payment. We had been unable to reach them, so had each also left a message asking them to call us back. On December 31st, Adam called a 1-800 number to try once again to make our payment. He was told that he had to pay the agent directly. On New Year's Day, their office was closed, so we were going to have to pay them on the 2nd and hope that nothing happened during out lapse in payment.
The only incident in 8 years happened on the only day our insurance lapsed. The agent claimed that there were no messages left for them and that we were SOL.
That's really the whole story. I wish that there was more to say about it, but we didn't have any recourse, and were just out the things that were stolen from me.
The only incident in 8 years happened on the only day our insurance lapsed. The agent claimed that there were no messages left for them and that we were SOL.
That's really the whole story. I wish that there was more to say about it, but we didn't have any recourse, and were just out the things that were stolen from me.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Why the Louisville Metro Police Department sucks.
Shortly after the ambulance arrived at our house, the police arrived. An officer came into the ambulance and took down information I gave him about what happened and what was taken. Then he gave me a card and said that I can pick up a copy of the police report in 10 days. Then he left. Meanwhile, Adam followed the footprints in the snow to some housing projects only a couple blocks away. Adam, my husband, looked around to see what happened, not the officer on the scene.
The next day, Adam and I walked around the neighborhood looking in trash cans to see if we could find any of my belongings that had been discarded. It had been trash day the at morning, so many of the trash cans had already been emptied. We didn't find anything.
Two days later, Adam and I went to the 4th district police station with a more detailed list of what was stolen with my bag. The girl at the front desk has several interesting things to say. The first thing she said while she was looking for the report, was "was this a domestic thing?". We are there with a list of stolen property. If it were domestic, how could there be stolen property? She also stated that the case probably hadn't been assigned yet. Once she found the report she added "You know...they're not going to be able to find your things." We explained that we would like the report to be complete, so she added the information for us. Adam inquired about why the case wouldn't have been assigned to a detective yet and her explanation for us was that "if it had been something REAL SERIOUS they might have gone ahead and assigned it." At that point, I had to remove myself from the conversation because anything I had to offer would not be productive. I really don't know how many incidents of more serious things happen in Louisville. What occurred was armed robbery and assault, and the next step from that is manslaughter, so aside from murder, they're not in any hurry to assign cases to detectives.
The following Monday, I informed a news reporter about the situation. She spoke to her boss and got the "okay" to do the story. That afternoon, the reporter and a camera man met me at my house. You can read about and watch the story here...
http://www.wlky.com/news/14996599/detail.html?subid=10101262
The most important thing to note in this video, is the officer's statement that "We are in the early stages of the investigation" at 6 days in. At the end, the reporter defends the LMPD by stating that they might not have sent a detective out that night because it was a holiday. It's just laughable. Allegedly, the officer stated that there was no way the case hadn't been assigned to a detective by then, and we must have gotten bad information. Later that day, my husband, in an effort to contact the detective, called and spoke to another detective who stated that she had just received a case from January 2nd.
The detective called me back 15 days after the incident, and after I gave her all the information that I had, she assured me that she would contact me again about the case. I've yet to hear from her, and am notholding my breath for a resolve on this case.
The next day, Adam and I walked around the neighborhood looking in trash cans to see if we could find any of my belongings that had been discarded. It had been trash day the at morning, so many of the trash cans had already been emptied. We didn't find anything.
Two days later, Adam and I went to the 4th district police station with a more detailed list of what was stolen with my bag. The girl at the front desk has several interesting things to say. The first thing she said while she was looking for the report, was "was this a domestic thing?". We are there with a list of stolen property. If it were domestic, how could there be stolen property? She also stated that the case probably hadn't been assigned yet. Once she found the report she added "You know...they're not going to be able to find your things." We explained that we would like the report to be complete, so she added the information for us. Adam inquired about why the case wouldn't have been assigned to a detective yet and her explanation for us was that "if it had been something REAL SERIOUS they might have gone ahead and assigned it." At that point, I had to remove myself from the conversation because anything I had to offer would not be productive. I really don't know how many incidents of more serious things happen in Louisville. What occurred was armed robbery and assault, and the next step from that is manslaughter, so aside from murder, they're not in any hurry to assign cases to detectives.
The following Monday, I informed a news reporter about the situation. She spoke to her boss and got the "okay" to do the story. That afternoon, the reporter and a camera man met me at my house. You can read about and watch the story here...
http://www.wlky.com/news/14996599/detail.html?subid=10101262
The most important thing to note in this video, is the officer's statement that "We are in the early stages of the investigation" at 6 days in. At the end, the reporter defends the LMPD by stating that they might not have sent a detective out that night because it was a holiday. It's just laughable. Allegedly, the officer stated that there was no way the case hadn't been assigned to a detective by then, and we must have gotten bad information. Later that day, my husband, in an effort to contact the detective, called and spoke to another detective who stated that she had just received a case from January 2nd.
The detective called me back 15 days after the incident, and after I gave her all the information that I had, she assured me that she would contact me again about the case. I've yet to hear from her, and am notholding my breath for a resolve on this case.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Why University of Louisville ER sucks...
So, my brother dropped my dad and me off at the door to the ER, and when we walked in, we weren't sure if we were in the right place. I saw a security guard in front of me, and said "Can you tell me where the emergency room is?" He said "You're in the emergency room. How did you get in here." I looked around and realized that we were where you would go after you've been checked in. My dad and I were standing right in front of the automatic doors that we had just walk through, so the question posed to us seemed very confusing to me. The security guard and my dad were having a conversation about how we were in the wrong place, and I cut in and said "Can you just tell us where we're supposed to go because obviously you don't want us in here?" He walked us to the door that we would come through after we get checked in, and another woman walked us through it and then to the exit telling us to come back in through the metal detector. Now, I have blood all over both sides of my face and down my neck, and my head and face are so swollen that I look distorted. As I approached the metal detector, the other security guard said "Now what are you all trying to do?" The question seemed so absurd to me that I couldn't even answer. I walked through and set off the metal detector with my keys that were in my pocket. I stepped back and removed my keys putting them in the basket available, and walked through again without setting it off. The security guard then picks up his wand to check me and said "Now, let me tell you how we do things around here." Remember, I have blood all over me. I'm a 5'2'' woman, with my 5'7'' 65 y/o dad. Are we posing a threat? I don't think so. My dad gets into a conversation with him about his attitude and gets his name and talks to his supervisor while entered and checked in. After they made sure I wasn't dying, they sent me back out into the waiting room.
We then decided that we should have gone to Jewish. We figured that I could be in and out of Jewish before they even take me back at University. We got up, politely told them that we were leaving, and proceeded to Jewish Hospital Emergency Room. As soon as we walked in the door, the guy at the desk leaned over to see my face which I was holding an ice pack over. He directed me to be checked in immediately, and told my dad to fill out the paperwork. They even gave me a wet towel to wipe the dried blood off of my face. After checking me in, they put me in a hospital bed, and the doctor came to see me relatively soon after. That's how patients should be treated.
My doctor, nurse, and nurse's assistant at Jewish Hospital were awesome, but there were 2 strange interactions. The woman who took me back to the bed, gave me a hospital gown to put on. I asked if that was necessary because my injuries were only neck up, but she insisted. I'm not a modest person, but I do expect some level of privacy sometimes. This woman stood there and unfolded the gown then held it up for me to put on. I though she was being pushy, but then I figured out that she was probably trying to look at the rest of my body for other wounds. She wanted to make sure I wasn't a battered wife which is reasonable. The other awkward moment was when another woman who was sweeping the floor in my curtained off area looked at me and said "what happened?" I bluntly said "I got hit...in the head...with a gun." Then she said "Ooo is that what they call pistol whipped?" I didn't really appreciate her candor, but thanked her nonetheless, and now I can't tell people that I got pistol whipped without laughing.
They did a cat scan of my head to check for fractured bones because the doctor was concerned about my jaw. I ended up getting 3 stitches on the left side of my head, and the cuts on the right on and behind my ear weren't really that bad. The swelling was really the worst but it's much better by now.
The moral of the story is...
If you have insurance and aren't dying, do not go to University of Louisville Hospital.
We then decided that we should have gone to Jewish. We figured that I could be in and out of Jewish before they even take me back at University. We got up, politely told them that we were leaving, and proceeded to Jewish Hospital Emergency Room. As soon as we walked in the door, the guy at the desk leaned over to see my face which I was holding an ice pack over. He directed me to be checked in immediately, and told my dad to fill out the paperwork. They even gave me a wet towel to wipe the dried blood off of my face. After checking me in, they put me in a hospital bed, and the doctor came to see me relatively soon after. That's how patients should be treated.
My doctor, nurse, and nurse's assistant at Jewish Hospital were awesome, but there were 2 strange interactions. The woman who took me back to the bed, gave me a hospital gown to put on. I asked if that was necessary because my injuries were only neck up, but she insisted. I'm not a modest person, but I do expect some level of privacy sometimes. This woman stood there and unfolded the gown then held it up for me to put on. I though she was being pushy, but then I figured out that she was probably trying to look at the rest of my body for other wounds. She wanted to make sure I wasn't a battered wife which is reasonable. The other awkward moment was when another woman who was sweeping the floor in my curtained off area looked at me and said "what happened?" I bluntly said "I got hit...in the head...with a gun." Then she said "Ooo is that what they call pistol whipped?" I didn't really appreciate her candor, but thanked her nonetheless, and now I can't tell people that I got pistol whipped without laughing.
They did a cat scan of my head to check for fractured bones because the doctor was concerned about my jaw. I ended up getting 3 stitches on the left side of my head, and the cuts on the right on and behind my ear weren't really that bad. The swelling was really the worst but it's much better by now.
The moral of the story is...
If you have insurance and aren't dying, do not go to University of Louisville Hospital.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Happy Fucking New Year...I got mugged and pistol whipped. How about you?
On New Year's Day at 9:30 at night, I was going to the gym to get the drill. My husband, my dad, and my brother were in the basement installing a new water heater. Our car was parked at the end of the block, so I started walking down the sidewalk towards it. Now, I usually keep my head up and stay alert and look around, but for some reason, I was looking down at the snow and the tracks in it and thinking about how I can't wear my newHeely's tomorrow because it will probably be icy.
It was cold and windy, and I didn't hear anyone come up except a couple steps right before I felt something poking me in the neck. I thought it was Adam or my brother at first screwing with me, but then I realized that what was on my neck was round with hard edges and putting a lot of force on me and almost pushing me over. I think the guy said to let go of my bag, but I couldn't really understand at the time, and by the time I realized that this was not a friendly encounter, he hit me on the right side of my head with the gun in his hand. My glasses got knocked off of my face, and I lost my bearings right away. It was very chaotic, but I yelled HELP as loud as I could. It wasn't very loud because I've had this damn sinus infection, but I couldn't get away from him because I locked up and my arm was around the strap of my bag and he was holding on to the bag with one hand. With his other had, he kept hitting me in the head until I fell down by a parked car where he broke the side mirror probably through a swing at my head. I felt him pulling on my bag strap, and for a half of a second, I pulled back. Then I realized that If I would let go, he'd probably stop hitting me, so I let go of the bag and he ran off.
I got to my feet, and kept yelling. I turned ans saw another guy standing there looking at me. At the time, I thought he was a neighbor who had come to my aide, so I said, "he went that way", and he ran after him. Since he didn't return, I figured out that he was with him not there to help me. I did see that the second guy wore a red and white jacket, and I know his general build, but that's all I know.
I stood an cussed and started to call for Adam while I ran up to our front porch and banged on the window while passing. Then I went to the side door and banged in it until I was let in. Adam ran up the steps because he heard the dogs barking, and he and my brother tried to run after the guy that did it. I had to find my glasses, and when I did, with the help of my brother's friend who was over, they ran back and got in the car and we got in with them.
We drove around a couple blocks while calling 911, and then I started to realize how much my head hurt. They drove back to the house so that I could meet up with the ambulance and cop. After they looked at the cuts on my head, they said that I could go to the hospital on my own, or go in the ambulance, and I decided to go on my own.
The next posts soon to follow...
Why University of Louisville Emergency Room sucks.
Why the Louisville Metro Police Department sucks.
Why my State Farm home owner's insurance agent sucks.
Why every trip from my house to my car and vise versa sucks.
It was cold and windy, and I didn't hear anyone come up except a couple steps right before I felt something poking me in the neck. I thought it was Adam or my brother at first screwing with me, but then I realized that what was on my neck was round with hard edges and putting a lot of force on me and almost pushing me over. I think the guy said to let go of my bag, but I couldn't really understand at the time, and by the time I realized that this was not a friendly encounter, he hit me on the right side of my head with the gun in his hand. My glasses got knocked off of my face, and I lost my bearings right away. It was very chaotic, but I yelled HELP as loud as I could. It wasn't very loud because I've had this damn sinus infection, but I couldn't get away from him because I locked up and my arm was around the strap of my bag and he was holding on to the bag with one hand. With his other had, he kept hitting me in the head until I fell down by a parked car where he broke the side mirror probably through a swing at my head. I felt him pulling on my bag strap, and for a half of a second, I pulled back. Then I realized that If I would let go, he'd probably stop hitting me, so I let go of the bag and he ran off.
I got to my feet, and kept yelling. I turned ans saw another guy standing there looking at me. At the time, I thought he was a neighbor who had come to my aide, so I said, "he went that way", and he ran after him. Since he didn't return, I figured out that he was with him not there to help me. I did see that the second guy wore a red and white jacket, and I know his general build, but that's all I know.
I stood an cussed and started to call for Adam while I ran up to our front porch and banged on the window while passing. Then I went to the side door and banged in it until I was let in. Adam ran up the steps because he heard the dogs barking, and he and my brother tried to run after the guy that did it. I had to find my glasses, and when I did, with the help of my brother's friend who was over, they ran back and got in the car and we got in with them.
We drove around a couple blocks while calling 911, and then I started to realize how much my head hurt. They drove back to the house so that I could meet up with the ambulance and cop. After they looked at the cuts on my head, they said that I could go to the hospital on my own, or go in the ambulance, and I decided to go on my own.
The next posts soon to follow...
Why University of Louisville Emergency Room sucks.
Why the Louisville Metro Police Department sucks.
Why my State Farm home owner's insurance agent sucks.
Why every trip from my house to my car and vise versa sucks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)