Time to think and regroup...

I have been prepping for my 2008 contest season, and it has been really touch and go thus far. I'm 8 weeks out from a national level show, and I still have 20 pounds to go. My weight is not dropping like it should. I have a couple theories, but one prevailing theory that is most likely and the hardest to fix. STRESS! It can effect hormones and who knows what other chemicals in your body without you even realizing it. It's really ironic that I am in this situation because only a couple weeks ago I had a long conversation with a client about how stress can effect the body. I told this client that stress has to be eliminated, and to sit down and identify all the possible sources of stress. So...I'm going to practice what I preach, and attempt to do the same.

I'm normally not someone who gets stressed out. I tend to be low key, and let things roll off my back, and I thought I was doing alright. I think there are 2 things that are effecting me that I didn't even realize. I told my client that sources of stress can be in relationships, at home, or at work...

In relationships, my husband is awesome, but we don't get so see each other as much as we'd like. It's been that way for several years now, so I really don't think that's a problem. Other relationships, like your friends are supposed to make you happy. You pick your friends, right? So, there's no reason to have a friendship that doesn't make you feel good. I have lots of really great friends that really care about me (not to brag, but I do), but I think since I don't see them that often either, I don't get to benefit from the good vibes you get when you just sit around with people that know you and understand you. There's a really great comfort in just being with people that don't expect you to act a certain way, or say anything, or do anything special. They just know you. They know where you've been, and they don't care where you're going. They just want to be updated. They want to share their plans with you. They want to be comfortable. They want to be who they are too. I've been missing out on spending time like that for way too long now.

At home, I have become more comfortable since I was attacked, but I think it's been irking my subconscious unknown to me. I probably don't feel as comfortable and relaxed as I think I do, or had in the past. I'm always armed. I'm always on the lookout. The alarm is always set. The dogs are on guard letting me know if there are any weird noises outside. I'm safe, right? Logically, yes. I'm very safe. Someone has to really want to hurt me in order to get to me, but the fact that I have created all these barriers to protect myself reflects just how uncomfortable I am in my own home. If I have to be on guard, how safe do I feel? I think this has been a problem for a while now.

At work, I'm surrounded by familiar people all day long. I OWN this place! I'm in control. That's all good stuff, right? Well, I'm responsible for all this stuff too. I train clients all day long and run the business, but that's been going on for several years now too. Well, what's new? Something else that's gone on for a long time has heightened and is starting to get under my skin. My long time stalker, who shall remain nameless, had his lawyer send me a cease and desist letter 3 or 4 weeks ago accusing me of slander and harassment. Now, here's the thing...the accusations are completely unfounded and ridiculous. My lawyer responded with a letter, and the situation will never develop into a lawsuit. So, there should be no problem, right? Well, I think I'm letting it get to me...

Our last direct communication was a mutual request to never be contacted again in any way, so he has become creative in his efforts to reach me, hence the attempt at a lawsuit. My life is an open book. I have no secrets, so that makes it pretty easy for some crazy person to find ways to reach me indirectly, and I know that he reads everything I write on line. What happened most recently, is he contacted one of my clients. She told me about this strange e-mail she got, and I knew immediately from the style of the letter, that it was him. In one e-mail to her he referenced his lawsuit against me, and in another, he requested to be her friend on MySpace. The profile he used looks strangely like me, and says it's a 30 y/o woman in Louisville, KY. All this makes me reconsider the fact that I do write so much about myself. I considered not posting anything else in my thread, not posting anything else on my blog, taking down my website, and my MySpace page. I truly want this guy to just leave me and my clients alone. I don't really know what he wants, and despite the fact that I'm a competitive person, if I did know, I'd be willing to let him win...if that would bring it to an end. The fact is, I'm really easy to find. He's probably been in my gym before. I probably showed him around like any other interested customer. He might watch me through a window, or watch me come and go throughout the day. Maybe he watches me go to Starbucks and Walgreens. Who knows? Maybe I'm just paranoid, and he's never left his keyboard. Either way, I'm done with it. I've been stressed out about it. I've brushed it off so many times, and said "he's a coward, and a freak", but still every time I have to hear about him again from someone else, my head races. I wonder if he's been around. I wonder what he wants. I wonder what he could possibly do with all the information that I have shared with the world about myself. Logically, he can do nothing, but the fact remains that I just don't know what motives and goals race through his head. I know he'll read this, and if so, let this be my white flag. If his goal was to get under my skin, he won. If he wanted notoriety for annoying the fuck out of me, he won. If he wanted to make me uncomfortable in my own workplace, he won. I've avoided this topic for the last month, and I think that has allowed it to get to me more, but now I'm putting it out there, and washing my hands of it.

I don't know why, but writing about this is cathartic. Maybe it's because when you try to put feelings into words, you have to organize your thoughts. Just as I suggested to my client, I'm going to deal with each area of my life and eliminate stress. Sometimes stress can be eliminated just by recognizing it and understanding it. As far as relationships, Adam and I are going to stay home and watch movies this weekend. I should make a point to hang out with some of my good friends too, but we'll arrange that later. As for the home situation, it was suggested that I see a therapist to sort out the feelings I've buried as a result of the attack. Although I don't want to, I will. As for the work situation, it's fine. I just need to stay positive, and keep organized so that I can continue to be productive with the business and my clients. As for the stalker situation, like I said...I wash my hands of it.

Now it's time to move on, focus on what's important to me, and leave the distractions behind.