Oh yeah, I'm competing in a week!

I feel better than I have in a long time.

I used to be a happy-go-lucky cutsey girl who smiled at everyone and never thought twice about lending a hand to anyone and everyone. Throughout life I have stepped away from that girl one step at a time for one reason or another. I think I fell in a rabbit hole recently that dropped me right back where I started, and I didn't notice until now how much I missed this place. It's even better now with all of life's experiences that I have brought with me.

On the way down the hole I think I have had the opportunity to positively affect other people. As a bodybuilder people see me as someone strong and cold that no one would fuck with. Me being attacked showed everyone who knew me that sometimes it doesn't really matter how strong you are or how tough you are, you can still be a victim. What happened to me showed some that it could happen to anyone. As a business owner people see me as someone grounded and independent. Since I have been very open with the fact that I am going to therapy, some people have accepted that maybe you don't have to be a basket case to need psychiatric help. As a personal trainer, I inspire others to be focused and strong, and most people think that this comes naturally for me. Now people can see that I have to work for it sometimes, and they have hope for their own ability to overcome circumstances.

In the last couple weeks, I have made connections with people that I don't think I could have last year. I have been more caring. I have been more empathetic. I have been able to be strong enough to take on other people's worries without it weighing me down. It all started when I was able to put my own worries onto others and saw that they were willing to take it on. Now, I'm taking weight off of other people's minds and for some of the same people who took weight off mine. This kind of compassion feeds off of itself, and I hope that it continues to grow in those around me.

What a whirlwind I've been caught up in! I am not in my best shape for my upcoming show, but I still have never felt better in general. I am competing next week on Friday. All I can do at this point is let it play out, and see how it goes.

Who's baking the cake?

I've gone to therapy now 3 times, and am doing something called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It is used for people who have been through a trauma to reprocess emotions that haven't been processed properly by your mind because when you go through a traumatic event, your brain shuts down the ability to process emotions so that you can react without emotional distractions. It's a really confusing process where at first I only saw black, and could feel emotions washing over me, but couldn't define them. The therapist says that the therapy can work even if I don't understand what's going on, which was very disappointing to me because I want to be able to be proactive about my therapy.

I wrote a recipe and went to the grocery to buy all the things to make a cake, but I don't get to make it. I'm getting everything ready and I have a plan, but someone else is going to come in and execute it. I think I'm okay with that, but I have to trust that whoever comes in to make it doesn't fuck it up, because I have to eat it when it's all said and done. In fact, I may serve it at a dinner party, so everyone I know will have to eat the cake. I just don't want to look back and wish I had done it myself to begin with. As it is right now, I can't even look in the kitchen to see how it's going. I don't even know if someone's in there doing anything. What if they're using an entirely different recipe? What if they didn't understand the instructions? What if they're getting into my kitchen cabinets and using other ingredients that I didn't want them to? Well, as long as the cake is good, it doesn't really matter what they use or how they did it. YES IT DOES! Get out of the kitchen and let me cook it myself!

Maybe therapy is going to take more time than I thought. I do have a show to prep for, and I wanted to be done with this before my contest, but I see that it is not under my control.

I have decided that there will be a dinner party where the cake will be served, but it is going to be postponed. I want to make the cake myself, but I will be cooking dinner, so I will need someone else to bake the cake. However, it is just not in the budget right now to hire a baker. I'm already paying people to prep me for the show. I have paid a deposit on the cake so far, so I know I'll be able to get it later.

In case that wasn't obvious enough, I was referring to the emotional bank account. I like to think that prep doesn't drain the emotional bank account, but I know it does. Now that I know that therapy is an option and I am comfortable with it, I guess I find some comfort now in knowing I can do it later.

Reality Check

I have not been myself lately. I've known this for a while now, but it took a good friend to point it out before I realized I need to do something about it.

I have always prided myself on the fact that I'm very independent, but what I never equated it to is my inability to count on other people. I don't like to tell people when I need help. It makes me feel insecure and weak. As I write this I have a huge knot in my throat confirming the truth of that statement. When I have counted on others and have been let down, it stands out in my mind so much more strongly than when when people come through. I'm not saying people never come through for me, rather that I let myself get hung up on the times they don't. It takes a stronger person to be vulnerable than independent. I guess it's like lifting weights...You will feel weak before you become stronger. If that's the case, I'm about to be really strong.

I do need others to help me sometimes, but I guess I don't know how to ask or what to ask for. The funny thing is that I never expect anyone else to be independent and will go out of my way to help a friend whether they ask or not, but I still don't think I ever need help myself. I guess I was wrong.